


Barriers

by Brndn1095



Category: Frank Iero - Fandom, Gerard Way - Fandom, My Chemical Romance, frerard - Fandom
Genre: Blow Jobs, Bottom!Frank, Fingering, M/M, Other, PIV Sex, Rough Sex, Smut, Top!Gerard, ftm character, trans!frank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:54:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23797249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brndn1095/pseuds/Brndn1095
Summary: After the Projekt Revolution kiss. You know the one. Frank wants Gerard, seems straight forward enough, but Frank worries Gerard isn't into him because he's transgender.
Relationships: frerard - Relationship
Comments: 10
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for myself honestly. As a transgender man I was tired of reading smut where the purpose of a transgender character was shock value or a surprise. 
> 
> I set out to write pure dirty non-fetishizing smut. Gerard and Frank have a well established relationship. Gerard has no qualms about Frank being trans, it doesn't effect how he interacts with Frank. Even in sex. I really strived to drive that point home. Gerard wants to do what Frank wants to do in terms of what makes Frank comfortable, but he isn't stepping around on eggshells either. 
> 
> I knew I wanted Frank as my trans character from the beginning. It's believable in my opinion. He's short and slight, covered in tattoos. Sometimes overly masculine. He has a don't-fuck-with-me attitude. 
> 
> Obviously I took some liberties. I put A LOT of my own fears and insecurities into Frank. 
> 
> There's a specific scene that is a direct retelling of an encounter I had with a cis man. Not sure if I'll divulge what that is. Kind of makes it more interesting. 
> 
> I also tried to write this without sex-specific terminology in regards to the Frank uses his body during sex, what he's feeling, what's he's doing. I wanted to give just enough for people to get the general idea and maybe add their own interpretations while reading-Either as a creative liberty or to not induce dysphoria. It was very important to me for Frank to feel confident in what he was doing. I didn't want to convey any other feelings than pleasure DURING the act but I did want to highlight some of Frank's reservations and dysphoria.
> 
> I also didn't write this as a 101 on sex with a trans man. Because that doesn't exist. No two people, cis or trans, have sex the same exact way. Point being, there may be some language that is unclear to you. I did not intend to be a google entry either. This is one of those know your audience things and like I said, I wrote this for me and am choosing to share it. Please google if a specific term is unclear. 
> 
> Anyway, that's my word vomit.

Frank flopped down on the bed in his hotel room, pushing his sweaty fringe out of his eyes. 

Fully clothed, he took a few deep breaths while lying on his back. Idly, he thought perhaps he should quit smoking. 

Deciding clothes were too much to deal with Frank sat up and took off his shirt, a white v neck so soaked through with sweat he could see his tattoos. He ran his fingers over the two scars across his chest after pulling off his shirt. A force of habit at this point. Surgery still didn't feel real sometimes. It was a dream come true. One Frank was grateful for every day. 

He thought back to roughly an hour ago. The Kiss. Capital letters formed in Frank's mind when he thought about it. So good it should have been trade marked. 

Frank had been thrashing around on stage, pausing to take a moment to fuck around with Gerard. Frank moved closer him. And then, It Happened. Gerard was kissing him. Or, Frank was kissing Gerard. He wasn't sure. He tasted sweat and adrenaline. His best friend's tongue in his mouth, tasting and touching...they were one. Frank had stopped playing his guitar. He had never done that before. Not even when he stood atop Bob's drum set and fell off it. 

And then, like a flame extinguished, it was over. Frank thought he may have seen Gerard wink. He continued playing, dazed.

Frank's phone buzzing shook him out of his reverie. He picked it up. A message from Gerard. He wanted to come to Frank's room. 

Frank's heart dropped to his stomach and just like The Kiss, something ignited within him. A purely carnal lust. Frank loved Gerard like a brother sometimes, sometimes more. And now, he concluded, he wanted Gerard to fuck him. Frank rationalized this by telling himself he was complex. He contained multitudes if he were to quote Whitman. 

But of course, being Frank, sex was never heat of the moment, tear your clothes off sex. There was always an awkward discussion. He knew Gerard had been with women and men. That was no secret. Gerard was very open about his sex life. And yet, Frank didn't know if he'd been with a trans man. Or, if he wanted to be with Frank at all. 

Frank ran his fingers through his hair again. 

"Give me time to shower, about 20 minutes" he texted Gerard. 

Frank decided he would read the room. If he was wrong, well...at least he had sex toys.

\---

Frank grabbed fresh clothes from his suitcase, his usual attire. A plain black cotton v neck, faded black jeans, and a nice pair of black boxer briefs. If there was one thing Frank valued aside from his guitars and vinyl collection it was nice underwear. The kind that felt soft against his skin and were the perfect length to avoid awkward readjustment when the legs of other pairs rolled up. The kind that didn't make him feel like he'd been swimming after a particularly hot day on stage. It was the little things in life sometimes. 

Frank finished grabbing his clothes and toiletries and walked into the bathroom. He felt around in the dark for the light switch and turned it on. The bathroom light hummed and flickered ahead before settling to a sterilizing brightness. He turned on the shower and waited for it to warm even though he knew he would just end up turning it nearly freezing given how hot he was.

He took the opportunity to examine his face in the mirror. It had taken years to get to this point but Frank finally felt comfortable with what he saw in the mirror. He had five o'clock shadow that he should probably clean up but decided at the last minute to leave it. If something happened with Gerard and he hoped it did because Frank needed to get off more than he needed air in his lungs, he wanted Gerard to feel like he was kissing a man, not a hybrid as Frank felt himself sometimes alone in the dark of night. 

His t shirt abandoned back by the bed, Frank began the cumbersome task of taking off sweat soaked skinny jeans. He wrestled with the jeans for a moment, finally stripping them inside out and awkwardly kicking them off his feet. His underwear remained. 

He backed up so he could see just the top of hips. He thought briefly of the villain in Silent of the Lambs, Buffalo Bill, and that infamous quote. "I'd fuck me" Frank whispered to the mirror, attempting to bite his lip and look sexy. 

He roughly palmed at his crotch, picturing his best friend's hand down there. Maybe his mouth if there were to be something Gerard was into. *If he wants me at all* Frank reminded himself. 

He felt foolish then, and turned away from the mirror. A wave of sadness washed over him as he hastily removed his underwear. Maybe if he had a penis, this would have happened already. Maybe it wouldn't. What-if's, Frank thought, were a dangerous game. One Frank wouldn't play. 

As quickly as the sadness came, it retreated.  
The fire returned to somewhere around his navel. His body felt ready. Like a ripe fruit. 

He walked over to the shower and adjusted the water as cold as he could stand it and stepped in. 

He washed quickly. Wishing he had brought decent quality shampoo and soap to use instead of the hotel provided fair. It was too hard to keep track of on the road though and frequently spilled in his suitcase, ruining clothes. 

His hand wandered idly down to his crotch, his index and middle finger stroking the growth Testosterone had given him. Despite the warm water, he shivered. He couldn't remember the last time he'd touched himself and he wished he had time to finish. Half erect, although the common observer probably couldn't tell, he shut the water off in the shower and stepped out. 

The light above him hummed. He dressed, towel-dried his hair so it wasn't soaking wet, and brushed his teeth. He had just walked out of the bathroom and turned off the light when there was a knock at the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only loosely proofread. Apologies, but the feedback was positive so I wanted to give you more. 
> 
> This chapter reads more like typical M/M smut but I did also include a conversation and Frank's thoughts revolving around his insecurities around being a trans man that will hopefully set things up well for the next chapter.

Frank's heart dropped to his stomach as he crossed the room and opened the door. He felt stupid, how was this any different than any other time he and Gerard had hung out after a show. Hell, it wasn't even their first kiss. Something felt different and he couldn't place it. 

"Hey," Gerard said, looking concerned. 

"Hey," Frank replied, always eloquent. 

"What are you thinking about?" Gerard asked.

Frank's soul left his body in that moment and it must have shown on his face. 

"Oh, I was just asking cause you looked lost in thought." Gerard laughed. "You thinking about how sexy I am, again?" He added, winking. 

Frank blushed and felt his body betray him as he grew wet. It was a function he didn't particularly care for--although he tried to equate it to pre cum. 

"Uh, no. Actually, I was thinking we should play "Sorrows" on a few dates. Maybe on the home town show. You know, for the OG fans" Frank said all of this too quickly, lamely. He wasn't the kind of guy who said "OG".

Gerard smiled at him. "Hell yeah, Frankie. That's a great idea."

Frank grinned. 

Gerard shifted his weight. "Aren't you going to invite me in? I can't come unless you let me"

Realizing their conversation had so far taken place in the door way of his room and trying not to think too hard on whether Gerard was insinuating something he stepped back to let his friend in. 

Frank told himself-as Gerard walked by-that Gerard's hand brushing against his crotch was an accident. 

Gerard flopped down heavily on the bed and began removing his shoes. "Fuck me, it is hot. Too hot for shoes. Too hot for anything really."

Frank looked at him then. Met his gaze. He hadn't *really* looked at him since they broke apart on stage and he wandered off dazed. 

Gerard eyes glittered mischievously, and behind that, something foreign. He held Frank's gaze and licked his lips. 

Frank had never been more turned on. His entire body was alive with sensation. 

Returning back to Gerard's earlier comment he replied, "Yeah it's super fucking hot dude. Today was nearly unbearable. The air conditioning feels good. We don't always get that." If Frank said one more stupid thing, he promised himself he was going to cross the room and jump off the balcony. 

"Come here," Gerard stated. It wasn't a question. He pointed to the side of the bed, about a foot away from where he was laying. 

Frank wandered over, and sat tentatively. He was facing away from his friend, unable to see what Gerard was doing. 

Gerard shifted until he had Frank between his legs, both of them sitting on the bed, Frank facing away from Gerard. 

Gerard then began rubbing his shoulders. Frank thought about all the bad pornos he'd seen. Gerard's hands burned his skin, even through his shirt. 

"Lift your arms up," Gerard commanded. 

Frank complied and felt cold air reach his skin as he shirt was removed. 

Gerard kneaded his shoulders, removing tension Frank didn't know he was holding. 

"The secret to a good massage," Gerard said, his voice low, his mouth close to Frank's ear,  
"Is skin to skin contact"

Frank grinned and leaned back into Gerard, enjoying what was happening. "Who died and made you king of massage therapy?"

Frank couldn't see him, but he felt his friend laugh. "Took a class in college. Thought it would help get me laid."

Frank was certain if he had to sit there another second, he would explode. "And did it?" 

He realized now, he could feel his friend's hard dick, pressed up against his lower back. 

Gerard swallowed and finally sounded nervous when he said "Do you think it did?"

Frank awkwardly turned to face Gerard, his body half on, half off the bed. "I bet you fucked everyone in the entire goddamn school" 

And they were kissing. Unlike the stage, with thousands of screaming fans, the room was quiet.

Frank couldn't even say he was thinking. He was on top of Gerard kissing him frantically, afraid if he stopped Gerard would leave or reject him. 

He got up quickly from the bed to remove his shirt and was reaching to unbuckle his belt when Gerard stopped him. 

"Hey," he said simply. 

Frank looked at him, so entirely overwhelmed with emotions, he couldn't speak. 

"It's not a race, you know. We've got time. Come here." Gerard motioned for Frank to lay next to him on the bed. 

Frank does and Gerard pulls him close. Frank's head is on Gerard's chest listening to his heart beat. His friend's heartbeat is calm. Frank's heart is beating out of his chest. He feels stupid and wonders if this is the part where he is gently let down. 

Gerard kisses Frank's temple and they lay in silence. 

When Frank finds his words again, he starts to explain. "It's not that I'm a virgin. I've been with women and given a few blow jobs. I just...I've never let anyone touch me like that and no one has ever seen me naked and I was afraid if I didn't move quickly you would leave and I don't want you to leave or for this to ruin our friendship or the band." The words spilling out of his mouth affect him more than he thought, hot tears spring to his eyes. 

His earlier confidence in the shower had left entirely. Frank wished so badly in that moment to have just been born "normal". He didn't like to think that way because it didn't change anything but he was so angry sometimes. They wouldn't be having this conversation if he had been born a "real man". 

Gerard ends his reverie. "Well, for one thing. Nothing you could ever do could end our friendship or break up the band so that's a fucking stupid thing to say. And second, I'll only wanna do what you wanna do. If that's nothing and we just order a pizza, that's fine. If we make out, great. If you have a million and one kinks you wanna try, okay. You just have to be open and talk to me, okay?" 

Frank looks at Gerard and kisses the corner of his mouth. "I want to suck your dick," he says awkwardly. 

For perhaps the first time ever that Frank has seen, Gerard blushes. His hand unconsciously reaches down to adjust his erection. "Yeah. Okay. I mean, go for it." He says. He runs a hand through his hair. "It's not every day someone tells me that. He grins.

"How do you want me?" Gerard asks, the spark returning to his eye and arrogance resumed. 

Frank blushes again. He wonders if by the end he'll just be permanently red. "Take off your clothes and sit in that chair." He points to arm chair across from the bed accompanied by a wood desk. 

"Enjoy the show," Gerard smirks. He walks over to the chair and stands in front of it, pulling his shirt over his head and running his hands down his body before grabbing his dick through the sweat pants he's wearing. 

Frank steps towards him. Gerard holds up a finger to stop him. "Never. Interrupt. Art. Sit on the bed." Frank obliges. 

Quicker than Frank thought he would, Gerard drops his pants. 

His erection is prominent against the tight underwear he's wearing. He strokes himself through the fabric, pre cum appearing. 

Gerard turns around to remove his underwear giving Frank a nice view of his ass. He turns around again, quickly this time, and sits in the chair. "Come," he beckons. 

Frank nearly runs the short distance like a dog to dinner and drops to his knees. 

Gerard has an impressive dick. It's girthy and the head is large and bulbous. It's pink and wet with pre cum. Frank takes it in his hand impressed with the weight. His left hands wanders down to Gerard's balls, which are clean shaven. He cups them in his hand and gently massages them while his right hand strokes Gerard's dick. 

Cautiously Frank leans down and takes the head of his friend's dick into his mouth, swirling his tongue gently around the slit. 

There's a gentle pressure on the back of his head where Gerard rests his hand, encouraging him to go on. 

Frank takes more of Gerard's dick into his mouth earning a moan from him. What his mouth has yet to reach he uses his right hand to jerk off the other man's dick and maintaining a gentle grip on his balls. 

Gerard's voice is tight, strangled almost. "Oh my god Frankie, how are you so good at this? Oh fuck, you're gorgeous. God, I love your mouth." 

Encouraged further, Frank continues his quest to take all of Gerard who is currently inventing new ways to say the word fuck. 

When he manages to take the entirety of Gerard's dick, Frank can tell his friend is close. And he has to make sure everything goes how he wants it. Still, he waits for Gerard to say it. 

Soon he does. "Oh fuck, Frankie. I'm close. So close."

Frank quickly abandons his efforts before Gerard can even look confused and says in a single breath, "Stand up and face fuck me and cum on my face"

Gerard hesitates. "Please do it," Frank begs on his knees, his chin slick with spit and pre cum, his mouth red and swollen. 

Gerard stand up and moves closer. Frank sits back with his mouth open, waiting. He closes his eyes. He feels Gerard's dick slip into his open mouth, going in deeper until he can feel the head at the back of his throat and balls at his chin. 

Gerard places his hands on either side of Frank's head and begins to thrust in Ernest. 

Frank has tears down his cheeks and snot running from his nose. He's never been happier. 

Gerard pulls out and the loss of contact is disappointing. 

Frank keeps his eyes closed and hears Gerard climax before he feels it. And then he does. Hot streams of cum hit his face, his open mouth. Gerard's dick is at his lips again and Frank sucks him dry. When he feels his friend's dick soften on his lips, he opens his eyes. 

Gerard is breathing hard and sweaty. He rests a hand on Frank's shoulder before collapsing back in the chair. 

Frank maneuvers so his back is resting against the edge of the bed. 

"You look good, Frankie" Gerard says breathless. "Best you've ever looked."

Frank can feel Gerard's cum drying on his face. "Thanks," he laughs. "New stage look."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frank gets his and a little more than he bargained for. 
> 
> I tried to be as ambiguous as possible while still getting a point across. Hopefully it worked out

Gerard disappears into the bathroom for a second. Frank hears water running. 

He returns with a damp cloth he unceremoniously tosses at Frank. Frank wipes his face and chest where Gerard's cum had fallen. 

When he looks up again Gerard is standing in front of him, outstandingly naked and confident. 

Frank feels something his chest swell with jealously for a moment. It lingers until Gerard wordlessly extends his hand and pulls Frank to his feet. Gerard lays his hands on Frank's hips and crushes his mouth against Frank's lips. 

Surprising Frank, Gerard pushes him down the bed roughly. Gerard stands above him. 

"What do you want me to do?" Gerard asks. 

His question hangs in the air as the rest of the air is sucked from Frank's lungs, who had not planned to be confronted with such a question. His pants feel unbearable and he isn't sure he he could be any more hard. His body is ready and he hates it. But he needs it. He wants it. He wants to share himself with Gerard. Who better, after all? 

Sending his hesitation, Gerard sits down on the edge of the bed, Frank's clothed leg makes a stark contrast to the other's nakedness. 

"We don't have to do anything if you don't want. I just know I'd feel terrible if I left and you felt uncomfortable," Gerard looks at him kindly. 

Frank decides thinking is over rated and blurts it out before he thinks too hard about it. "Taste me," he says, thinking he might die if he doesn't have access to his hard growth soon. 

He stands up, dropping his pants and underwear quickly before he can think about it. His body is on fire. He palms at his crotch desperate for any kind of touch. The shower he had seemed so long ago. 

Gerard cups Frank's chin his hand gently forcing Frank to meet his gaze. His eyes are dark with lust. 

"You're fucking perfect, Frank" Gerard whispers. 

Gerard moves his hands down Frank's body, stopping at his pelvis. In a single fluid motion not unlike a night on stage, Gerard drops to his knees. He gently pushes Frank down on the bed and spreads Frank's legs open. 

He kisses Frank's thighs, his abdomen. All reaching closer to his goal, but not quite there. 

"Please, Gee. Just do it already. Fuck, I can't. Please," Frank pleads.

Gerard looks up at him from his kneeling position, a question in his eyes. Frank has never felt more masculine. He loves it. Testing the waters, Frank pushes Gerard's head down roughly towards his growth. 

Expecting rejection, Frank is surprised when Gerard's mouth finds his aching flesh. The feeling is almost painful it's so good, so sensitive.

Frank can hear his voice speaking, moaning but he isn't sure it's anything coherent. He jumps when he feels a single finger enter inside him. 

Every part of Frank's body is screaming now, he's struggling to stay still when all he wants to do is grind against Gerard's hand, who has added a second finger and is expertly maneuvering. 

Gerard looks at him. "God, Frankie. I love your cock," he says, breathing heavily. 

Frank's breath catches in his throat and then he's coming and he can feel himself clenching around Gerard's fingers, the slight release of fluid. And then nothing. 

\---

Frank feels the slightly scratchy hotel pillow against his head before he opens his eyes. He's suddenly terrified everything that happened was a powerful wet dream. 

His body feels hot and heavy although he can feel the cool hotel air around him. 

He opens his eyes. A naked Gerard is staring down at him, grinning. "So I didn't think people actually fainted in real life, much less from sex. But, uh, here we are. Guess I'm just that good," he laughs. 

Gerard hands Frank a fresh cold bottle of water. "Google said you should drink that. You probably just hyperventilated. Again, my bad. But not really. My *good*, I guess you could say."

Frank looks at Gerard. Suddenly both men are laughing too hard to form coherent sentences but in between breathes, Gerard is telling Frank to breathe so he doesn't pass out again. This in turn, only makes Frank laugh harder. 

It takes several minutes before they calm down. Frank's eyes are burning with tears of laughter and his cheeks hurt from smiling. 

Frank gets up to find his discarded underwear, and pulls them on. Suddenly feeling too vulnerable. 

"Do you wanna order a pizza?" Frank asks Gerard lamely. 

Something that looks like disappointment glitters in Gerard's eyes, disappearing as quickly as it came. He smiles. 

"Sure." Gerard says, reaching for his discarded clothing not looking at Frank.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter started out very differently in my head. It was pure smut. But I thought about it and I didn't like it. 
> 
> I wanted nuance. I wanted discussion. A vast majority of FTM/M smut is written in a way that can entirely erase dysphoria during sex in a story or write trans men to exist as something to check off a list. An experiment of sorts. Now, that's not to say that some trans men aren't 100% happy with their junk. Some are. Some have dysphoria but manage to enjoy sex. Some men don't want anything to do with their bodies until they've had surgery. These are all perspectives that exist and all are valid. This story largely revolves around my own hang ups with sex, what it means to me. Like I said, I started writing this for me. I put it out there into the world because as far as I know, there is very little out there like this. 
> 
> We see more of Frank's process around sex here. It means nothing and everything. In some ways he's very forward, other times reserved. I think at least for me, that's a lot of what sex is. You have different strengths and confidences. Frank envies Gerard, who just seems to be content in himself. Something Frank wants so badly. 
> 
> There's a moment here that I'm sure someone is going to call out where we hear very little from Gerard despite Frank making some significant moves and wonder why there's no dialogue or input. That was secondary to me. Chances are, Frank wasn't hearing it anyway. What matters there is how he's rationalizing wanting something that he actually does want quiet badly but has these hang ups on how he wants it to happen and why he feels that way. 
> 
> For an intended one shot, this really took a turn.

The two men argue about pizza toppings. Frank is wary of getting sausage on a pizza from a place he doesn't know. He is very particular about it.

"Yeah, but sometimes it's good to try new things. Besides, from what I've heard, you've tasted a lot of *sausage*...and my-" Gerard pauses for dramatic effect, "-*sausage* was pretty damn good too!" 

Frank makes a face. "Dude, that's fucking gross. Fine, we can get sausage." He grins, "Don't ever call your dick a sausage again."

Gerard winks, "Well it worked, didn't it?"

A silence falls over the two men. Frank wonders if this encounter will exist when Gerard leaves. Gerard loves to flirt, especially on stage and Frank can't help but wonder if what just happened is a simple reaction to the adrenaline. An itch to scratch. Something to sweat out like a fever. 

Frank watches Gerard get up from the table where they sat flipping through a phone book and ordering a pizza. 

"Where's the remote?" Gerard asks, half heartedly looking around the small room. He seems utterly unphased by the past two hours, except for those moments when Frank catches Gerard looking at him, something foreign in his eye. 

"I dunno, check the night stand," Frank replies, examining his hands. Consistent and furious guitar playing has left them calloused with various nicks and cuts and tattoos largely cover them, but he can't help but wish they were larger. Dysphoria is a strange and cruel beast. 

There's a staticky sound as the TV comes to life. Frank watches Gerard flip through guide. He's squinting because he won't admit to needing glasses. Gerard flops on the bed, positioning himself so his back is against the headboard. 

"Come read this for me, they always put the print on the TVs so fucking small. TV for ants or some shit," he says. 

Frank climbs on the bed, mimicking Gerard's position and begins to read the show titles. Gerard is making him read the synopsis of an old Grey's Anatomy episode when Gerard's hand is palming at his now fully clothed crotch. 

Frank's breath hitched and he reminds himself to breathe, lest an embarrassing repeat of his prior orgasm. 

"I didn't tell you to stop reading," Gerard purrs, gently undoing Frank's jeans for better access and slipping his hand down Frank's underwear. 

Frank continues reading with increasing difficultly as Gerard continues, moving closer to Frank for easier access, and as he inserts his fingers inside Frank. 

Gerard is rougher now than he was the first time, his fingers reaching deeper, faster. 

Frank has stopped reading now, focusing instead on his impending orgasm. Gerard is fucking him nice and deep and with only his fingers, Frank thinks. He feels his core clench and he opens his mouth to tell Gerard he's going to cum and then--A knock at the door. 

"Fuck!" Frank exclaims, hastily buttoning his jeans and fixing his zipper. 

He finds his wallet and pulls out a random bill. 

Frank rushes to the door and accepts the pizza from the oblivious boy, shoving the money in his hand and telling him to keep the change before slamming the door. 

He throws the pizza like a frisbee on the small wooden desk, not checking to see if it makes it there and pounces on Gerard. 

Frank kisses Gerard clumsily at first, teeth knocking together with sloppy tongue work before finding a rhythm. 

Frank pauses to take his shirt off. "That pizza was 8 dollars and I think I gave that kid a hundred," he says, grinding his ass on Gerard's hard dick. 

Gerard grins, "You're so kind, Frankie. Why don't you show me what other good things you can do?" 

Frank snakes his way down Gerard's body, kissing and sucking as he goes. At Gerard's hips Frank yanks down his sweat pants and underwear, exposing his erection. The head glistens with pre cum. 

Frank's gaze lingers on Gerard's face before he wraps a hand around his dick, jerking it roughly with a dry hand. 

Frank takes a moment to enjoy the man, who is so often in control, come undone, caught between pleasure and discomfort. A spot Frank knows all too well. 

Frank climbs back up so his face is again level with Gerard's and places a gentle but firm hand on his neck. 

"Now I'm gonna fuck you," Frank whispers, his voice hoarse. Something primal erupts in his chest. Something that transcends body parts or roles. He's ready now to shed his skin. To become...something new. 

Frank awkwardly gets up off the bed to shed his clothes. He would almost feel uncomfortable with the situation were it not for the enraptured look in Gerard's eyes. He walks, naked, to his duffel bag and extracts a bottle of lubricant. He walks back to the bed, his body burning with excitement. 

The lube is an unfortunate necessity and Frank makes quick work of lubricating Gerard's erection and wiping his hand on his discarded underwear.

When Frank resumes his earlier position, he shocked at the different skin to skin contact has made. He revels in the feeling of Gerard's hard dick sliding up and down his erect growth. 

After a moment of gentle rocking and getting acclimated the feeling, Frank slowly sits on Gerard's dick. The feeling is...overwhelming and painful. Frank realizes with a sinking disappointment he can't do this. Not right now anyway. The emotional pain overcomes him. Where a beast raged in his chest moments earlier, is a bitter flood washing his confidence away. 

And now, Frank needs Gerard to leave. He bolts awkwardly to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. For a second, there is complete darkness. He feels for the light switch, turns it on. Bright light illuminates the bathroom. He slides down naked to the cool tile floor. A sob erupts from his chest. 

The light hums above him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frank gets what he wants, until he realizes he wants more than physical contact from Gerard. Recklessness ensues. I won't say too much about that but I think what Frank does, what he seeks out and the response he receives, is common in the LGBTQ+ community and I wanted to hi light that struggle. And Frank's response, although on the outside looking in we can say, don't compromise yourself...sometimes in seeking that unconditional acceptance we do rash things. 
> 
> I'll put it out there now so I don't get comments. Frank and Gerard have unprotected sex, yes. I worked very hard to work in a line about Frank having a hysterectomy and thus not needing protection from pregnancy (Testosterone alone does not protect from pregnancy, despite popular belief) but it was something that in assuming Frank and Gerard are good friends and know everything about each other, Gerard would have known that Frank would have had a hysterectomy. Throwing it in the dialogue or the story felt clunky and misplaced. As far as STD's same thing applies. Gerard's sexual history is the antithesis of Frank's and Frank, again, knowing Gerard well, would know if Gerard had an STD because Gerard tells him everything. Frank, although not entirely virginal, does not have the sexual past of Gerard, which for the sake of the story, negates the conversation of Gerard asking Frank his status. 
> 
> HOWEVER! This does not mean I am advocating any kind of unprotected sex, best friend or not. Even with safe sex, no matter what it is, oral, anal, vaginal...if you're having it (especially with different partners) you need to get tested. This story is a work of fiction and is not a guide or how to of any kind.

Frank wasn't sure how long he was in the bathroom or how long Gerard was beating on the door, yelling for him to come out and talk. He only knew that he'd screamed go away so many times that the knocking had stopped and he was likely alone in the small hotel room. 

His head was spinning, pounding as the cold tile cooled his overheated naked body. Finally, when he started to shiver on the tile, did Frank get up and unlock the door. 

Frank was disappointed Gerard was gone but also relieved he didn't have to explain himself. He found clean underwear and pulled on the shirt he was wearing earlier. Frank trades his jeans for basketball shorts. He shuts the lights off and fumbles in the dark towards the bed. 

He lays down on the bed which smells like sex and awkwardly tries to avoid the wet spots where lube had fallen before dissecting the layers of blankets hotel rooms provide, laying down under the lightest layers. 

Hotel rooms provide little comfort for Frank at the best of times and this is certainly the worst time he's had in a hotel room. His eyes search the darkness looking for answers he know he won't find. 

Suddenly furious, he angrily extracts himself from the blankets and goes to his bag, pausing only to feel for a light switch near the bed. 

Frank finds a realistic dildo he got in a sex shop a few days ago still in the package. He tears the packaging open and head back to the bed. 

He lubricates the toy, lays down and closes his eyes, thinking of Gerard as he runs the shaft of the toy over his growth. There's enough texture on the toy that it feels good but Frank can't help but the warmth and weight of an actual penis or even a well-modeled prosthetic, rather than they cheap dildo he has to work with. Or preferably one of his own. When he inserts the toy inside himself he nearly cums from the sensation of simply being penetrated, his body feels so sensitive. He fucks himself hard, relentlessly, wondering why he couldn't do this with Gerard when he really wanted to, *needed* to. 

Frank cums quickly, his orgasm out of necessity rather than pleasure and largely unsatisfying.  
Discarding the toy to the carpet below, figuring he'll ditch it in an inconspicuous trash can tomorrow because he hates it, Frank rolls on his side, facing the door, hoping that Gerard will knock. 

\---  
The sun light fights it's way through the thin curtains. Frank slowly comes to consciousness, the memories of the day before flooding back. His body feels sticky with sweat and lube. Frank wants nothing more than a shower. 

"Hey," a voice says. 

Frank swears, violently startled. 

Gerard sits at the table, examining the cold pizza no one ate. Two iced coffees and a bag of donuts accompany the forgotten pizza on the table. 

Frank doesn't bother asking how he got in. Gerard has a way of making things he wants happen. 

"I need a shower," Frank says, his mouth dry and aching for water. 

Gerard looks at him, his eyes searching for something. Finding nothing, Gerard plays his hand. "Can I join you?"

Frank's stomach jumps than drops. He's terrified and relieved that Gerard wants him, but mostly terrified. "Yeah," he says. "I'll get it ready."

He gets up from the bed and walks to the bathroom, conscious of Gerard's eyes on him as he walks. 

Frank enters the bathroom, turning on the light. He starts the water in the shower and quickly brushes his teeth. A moment passes and Gerard comes to watch him the door way. 

Frank adjusts the water to a comfortable temperature and removes his clothes. Gerard follows suit. 

The two men get in the shower. Being in an occasionally broke band, it's the not the first shower they've taken together, but it is the first naked shower they've taken together. 

Frank wets his hair in the shower, as Gerard places his hands on Frank's hips, pulling Frank closer to him. He kisses Frank chastely, gently brushing his lips against Frank. 

"Frank," he says, his voice full of meaning. "We should talk about what happened, don't you think? 

Frank swallows hard and reaches for the shitty hotel shampoo. The two men switch places so Gerard can wet his hair. 

Frank uncaps the shampoo bottle, puts a small amount in his hands, and begins to wash his hair. To his surprise, Gerard starts washing Frank's hair. Frank lets it happen and grabs the soap to wash his body. Gerard's gentle hands in his hair feels great. 

Not forgetting Gerard's previous question, Frank clears his throat and they switch places under the water again. Frank cleans the soap and shampoo from his body and watches Gerard wash, entranced. 

"I went too hard too fast," Frank admits.   
"I wanted you and I wanted to show you what I could *be* a *man*, and then suddenly, it didn't feel that. I feel very...unmanly and I needed to be alone" Frank finishes speaking feeling relieved and apprehensive about Gerard's response. The two men switch places again so Gerard can rinse. Frank stands half in the shower spray, the back half of his body cold. 

"Jesus Fucking Christ Frankie, you're stupid. You are a man. You're a man because you're smart and sexy and kind and honest and all that shit. What you have in your pants, it's not what makes you a man. Mulan never cared about that shit. And well, if you went too fast, maybe we just need to slow down." Gerard shuts the water off in the shower and they step out. 

They towel off uneventfully. It is when Gerard goes to put his clothes back on, that Frank stops him with a hand on his chest, no words need to be spoken. 

At Frank's touch, their eyes meet and then lips. Frank hopes the kiss says what he can't. 

They stumble to the bed, the blankets haphazard across it. Much like the previous night Gerard pushes down Frank to the bed and drops to his knees, his mouth meeting Frank's erect flesh. 

Frank struggles to stay still, his legs circling Gerard's neck. And when Gerard slowly slides his fingers inside him, Frank pulls him closer. Gerard works gentle yet persistent circles with his tongue, his fingers working in tandem. Frank feels the heat in his core, his thighs, building. 

"I'm so close," he groans, upset this can't last longer and thrilled with the conclusion anyway. 

Gerard stops, pulling back to sit on his heels and making a show of licking his fingers clean.

"Well, you're delicious Frank, that much is obvious," Gerard says wickedly. "But sometimes you have to give what you get."

The firm pressure of Gerard's hand on Frank's left shoulder, lends Frank off the bed to his knees, eye level with Gerard's erection. 

Eagerly, Frank takes his friend's hard dick into his mouth, and begins to suck him off. Frank knows he's good at two things in this world for certain: playing guitar and blow jobs. He isn't sure what he prides himself on more. 

Gerard presses a hand to the back of Frank's head, urging him to go deeper. Frank does his best, but much to his disappoint he can't take all of Gerard before starting to gag. When Gerard starts responding and making incoherent vocalization about Frank's mouth, Frank pulls back. 

"Now give," Frank commands, getting up and laying down on the bed. 

Gerard says nothing, but gets on the bed and crawls between Frank's legs, his dick pressing down on Frank's own erection and wetness. The bottle of lube sits on the night stand next to the bed from the previous night. 

Gerard grabs it and applies the lube to his dick. Frank has a brief moment of deja vu, before reminding himself he's in control of the situation and knows Gerard cares for him.

He can feel Gerard's erection, wet and sticky on his thigh. Gerard looks him in the eye as he lines up and enters inside Frank.

Frank gasps when the head of Gerard's dick enters him, it feels better than he ever thought it would.

"You okay?" Gerard asks concerned. 

"Yeah," Frank says through a breath. "It just feels so fucking good," he grins. 

Gerard looks at him with an expression Frank can't place. "You're perfect Frank." Gerard's voice cracks as he leans down to brush his lips on Frank's mouth. 

Gerard eases himself the rest of the way inside Frank, letting him get used to the stretch. "Fuck, you're big," Frank exclaims in Ernest. 

Gerard blushes. "Stop," he says bashfully. 

Frank smiles. "Now fuck me," he commands. 

Gerard begins to move gently inside Frank, taking his time and letting Frank feel his dick in it's entirety. 

Quickly, Frank wants more. "Harder," he says impatiently. 

Gerard complies. Frank's brain feels as though it has shut down entirely in favor of the carnal pleasure he's experiencing. His right hand roughly strokes his growth in tandem with Gerard's movements as Frank locks his legs around Gerard's torso to pull him in closer and rakes his nails down the other man's back.

"Holy shit, Frankie," Gerard pants out of breath and slowing for a moment, "Why didn't we do this sooner? We wasted so many years."

Brought back to the world, Frank wonders if Gerard is just referring to the sex. There's an ache in his chest that reminds him he's been in love with the other man for years. After all, Gerard was the one person who never made him feel less than or asked weird questions. The past two days were never just about sex, but if it was all he was going to get, Frank was okay with it.

Pushing these feelings down where he feels they should stay, Frank responds, "Fuck, I know, right?" He says, hoping he can convey the enthusiasm. 

Encouraged, Gerard resumes his thrusting. Frank can feel his orgasm building. "Cum inside me," he begs. "I wanna feel it."

Gerard moans, "Oh, fuck yes. You're so hot, Frankie."

Frank's orgasm hits him like a freight train. As if underwater, from far away he hears Gerard say he's cumming and feels his warm cum shoot inside him, bringing his orgasm to a second wave. 

Things come back into focus when Frank feels Gerard soften and slide out of him, warm cum sticking to his thighs. Gerard rolls over across from Frank and pulls him close. 

"You're amazing, Frank. Incredible," Gerard says, kissing his temple. 

Frank gets up to quickly deal with post-sex hygiene and returns to the bed, avoiding the wet spots and laying his head on Gerard's chest, whose fingers find their way into Frank's hair.

\---  
Frank wakes up, suddenly aware it doesn't feel as though he's seen a clock in days. He finds an alarm clock plugged in behind a lamp. It's noon. Gerard is sleeping next to him on the bed. Frank wishes they could exist here together forever. He's afraid to find out what will happen tomorrow when they leave this hotel. He wonders if the other guys have missed their absence, if questions will arise.

Frank watches Gerard sleep, sprawled out on his stomach. His skin is tanned from so many festival shows, which Frank knows annoy him as Gerard likes to pretend to be a vampire. 

Gerard stirs and opens his eyes, squinting at Frank who is standing at the side of the bed now absentmindedly staring at his friend. 

Gerard grins. "What are you doing Frank? You fucking stalker. Quit staring at me. Come here," he says, patting the bed and rolling over to his back. 

Frank complies, laughing. "Sorry man, you're just so beautiful," he replies, hoping he doesn't give himself away. 

If Gerard notices anything, he doesn't say it. "Well, duh. I'm a beautiful motherfucker," he says, leaning over to kiss Frank on the mouth. 

Deepening the kiss and reaching for Gerard's dick, Frank wonders in the back of his mind if he isn't in too deep. 

\---

The next few hours are spent in a daze of sex, napping, and room service. 

Around 4pm, Frank hears Gerard get a call reminding him of a phone interview for the tour he's supposed to do at 5 and Gerard tells him he should head out. 

They get dressed and wander slowly to the door. Frank leans in to kiss Gerard but Gerard backs away, saying he has to shower and get ready and slips out the door. 

Frank feels stupid. He regrets all of this. He goes and lays on the bed. It smells like sex and Gerard which is not helping him. 

Frank showers and heads down across the street to a gay bar he saw outside his window. 

He's two drinks in and feeling buzzed when a guy approaches him. He's cute, too good looking for the guys that usually approach him. A blonde fringe, tattoos, green eyes, thin, and very tall. Frank can't hear what he's saying entirely but knows enough to infer when the man points back at the hotel Frank left earlier. 

They walk outside, and Frank makes sure he's well in sight of roughly a dozen bar patrons when he discloses that he's trans. 

"Oh good, I love boys with pussies," the man says laughing. Frank knows this is where the conversation should end, but he lets the man take his hand and lead him over to the hotel. 

They head up the elevator to the man's room and kiss. Frank notes the man whose name he still doesn't know and doesn't care to, lest he ask Frank's, is a good kisser but he isn't into it. Frank tells him again he should stop and go back to his room and pine over Gerard but he doesn't. 

The elevator stops on the third floor and they head to the man's room. It's neat and clean which Frank is grateful for. 

The two men kiss and remove their clothing. Frank's body begins responding and he tries to forget about Gerard. 

Frank sinks to his knees and takes the man's dick into his mouth. It tastes like sweat and Frank wonders how long the man was at the bar before he picked him up. Wanting the man's dick out of his mouth and the experience largely over, Frank says he's ready to go. 

The guy asks to go down on him and Frank consents if only for the orgasm. The orgasm does not happen, Frank wonders if the man took 9th grade sex ed. 

Making up an excuse about not wanting to cum until he's being fucked, Frank lays down on the bed and readies himself. He hears the man in the bathroom digging around in a suitcase for a condom and lube. 

The lube helps some but Frank is entirely turned on so he can't say the experience is pleasurable. Quickly, the man says he going to cum so Frank pretends to cum himself. The man pulls out, removes the condom and cums on Frank's stomach. He rolls off Frank. 

"Put the 'do not disturb' sign on the door when you leave," the man states. 

Feeling sick Frank gathers his clothes. His shirt sticks to the cum on his stomach. 

He grabs his phone and leaves, placing the sign on the door as he walks out.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This spilled out of me. I hadn't intended for things to go this way but as this story is shaping up to be what it is, I wanted to make it clear: Being trans and navigating sex, is never easy. If I haven't driven this point home at this point, I hope this chapter does. 
> 
> To me, Frank's rage is justified entirely. He feels used and he wants to put Gerard in that position of using him, first because he's angry at Gerard but largely because he's so pissed off and fed up with being *Frank*. Frank wants to be anyone else and he blames himself for putting himself in that predicament where he allowed himself to be vulnerable and Gerard didn't meet his expectations. He wants to recreate that situation and make Gerard feel how he feels. 
> 
> I can see a light at the end of the tunnel for Frank though, don't worry.

Frank walks back to his hotel room. He's relieved to see that House Keeping came in his absence but disappointed all he has now is the memory of sleeping with his friend.

Vomit rises in his throat and he barely makes it to the bathroom before throwing up the contents of his stomach in the toilet. He wipes his mouth and flushes the toilet. Lays down on the cool tile. His head spins. 

After a while he gets up, pausing to clean the random man's cum from his stomach and goes to lay between the cool, clean sheets. 

\---

Frank and the rest of the band check out around noon, headed back to the east coast but playing a few shows in the Midwest before going home to recuperate from the trials and tribulations of tour. 

Frank expects Gerard to ignore him or treat him with indifference. He's surprised when Gerard acts entirely normal him. Like nothing happened. Maybe nothing did happen the way Gerard saw it, Frank thought as he picked his cuticles, trying not to stare at Gerard. 

\---

The band is in St. Louis now after several hours of traveling and it's a few hours before the show. Frank sits on the edge of the stage, idly playing his guitar, looking out on the empty room. The venue is intimate. Frank knows from past experience Gerard takes more liberties with his on stage antics at smaller shows. 

Frank hears Gerard before he sees him. His greeting reverberates off the empty room's walls. Then, Gerard's hand on his shoulder.

"Come here, I wanna show you something," Gerard says, putting out his hand to pull Frank to his feet. 

Frank gets up, unable to read Gerard's expression. Confused, he dutifully follows. 

They walk backstage, weaving through various amps and cables. Frank stops to set his guitar down briefly. 

After a moment, Gerard pulls Frank into a nondescript bathroom. It's been scrubbed clean but somehow decades of filth and indiscretion linger. 

"So you wanted to show me a bathroom where Motley Crue did coke?" Frank asks. 

Gerard runs a hand through his hair and bites his lip. Frank melts inside. "Well, not exactly. But you're on the right track with blow," Gerard finishes lamely. 

Frank sees what happened now the past few days for what it is. Gerard wants something from anyone and Frank was there to give it. Give himself to Gerard. 

Anger bursts from Frank's lips like venom. Gerard has the audacity to look surprised.   
"Bastard!" Frank says through clenched teeth trying not to raise his voice. "Is that what this is to you? A quick fuck? A *pity* fuck?! I fucking loved you, I gave myself to you, *trusted* you. And this is what you want now? In a shitty fucking bathroom?"

Gerard looks embarrassed and ashamed as though he hadn't given thought to how Frank felt. He probably hadn't, Frank realized. 

"Frank, I--"

"Well come on then, let's fuck. Put another notch in your belt for Frank" Frank snarls, smashing his lips against Gerard's and forcing the other man's mouth open with his tongue. 

Frank can feel Gerard half-heartedly resisting before giving in. Frank can feel Gerard's hand working roughly at his pants , but that's not how Frank needs this to go. He sinks to his knees, painfully hitting the hard concrete floor and undoes Gerard's belt and zipper just enough to free his erection. 

Frank takes Gerard into his mouth slowly taking all of him but Gerard has other ideas and begins thrusting forcefully. 

Frank can feel the head of Gerard's dick on his tonsils. His eyes are burning with tears and snot runs down his face. It may have been 30 seconds or 10 minutes, but finally Gerard pulls away. Frank's mouth feels bruised and swollen. Gerard pulls him up by the back of his shirt. Silently the two men regard each other. 

Breathing heavily, Frank says "Fuck me." 

Gerard's hesitation enrages Frank. "Do it!" He yells, his voice breaking. "It's what you wanted, isn't it?" 

Rapidly, Gerard's expression softens then hardens. Wordlessly, he pushes Frank up against the wall so Frank is facing away him. 

Wordlessly Frank undoes his jeans pushing them to his knees along with his underwear. 

Frank can feel the head of Gerard's dick at his opening. 

"I don't want to hurt you," Gerard says, softly. Resting his head against the back of Frank's shoulder, seemingly defeated. 

Unsure if Gerard is referring to the blow job Frank just endured, or their lack of lube in this situation, or the past week as a whole, Frank turns around, tears leaking freely from his eyes. "Well, you already have," he says simply. 

Gerard gives Frank a pained look, his voice thick with emotion and his hand coming to rest on Frank's face. "I don't want to. I never did."

Frank shugs away from Gerard's hand and clears his throat, trying to wipe the tears off his face. "I should go, I think we've been gone too long," he pulls up his pants and edges past Gerard, exiting the bathroom. 

\---

It's Frank's luck that he passes Mikey going the opposite direction who of course notices he's upset. 

"Hey, Frank. What's wrong?" Mikey says, peering down at him, his glasses perched precariously on the end of his nose. 

"Uh, nothing," Frank lies. "Got kicked in the balls," he says, feeling stupid. 

"Oh shit man. That sucks," Mikey says earnestly. "Frozen peas," he finishes, nodding sagely. 

"Oh yeah, sure," Frank nods in agreement. 

Frank starts walking away and gets pretty far before Mikey turns around and yells eloquently, "You got kicked in the BALLS, Frank?"

Frank looks over his shoulder at a rightfully confused Mikey. "Yep," he answers half heartedly. He turns a corner before Mikey can say anything else. 

Finding an unlocked door, Frank slips in and locks it before anyone can notice he's gone in. A broom closet. He finds it fitting, crying in closet. After all, a closet is where "Frank" was born, he thinks, sliding down the wall next to the cleaning supplies. Tears fall freely from his eyes and Frank finally lets himself cry. Years of pent up emotion floods out. When he's exhausted all the emotion he has, Frank gets up. 

The band plays in an hour. Surely he can avoid Gerard until then. 

\---

It turns out his idea to avoid Gerard by chain smoking behind the tour bus is exactly where Gerard would go. 

Frank is on his fifth cigarette when Gerard walks up. "Can I have a cig?" Gerard asks matter of fact but not looking at Frank who pretends to not be looking at Gerard. 

Frank holds out the beaten up pack to him. Gerard takes one and clears his throat awkwardly. "Do you have a light?"

Frank inhales hard on his cigarette and holds the smoke in until his lungs burn then exhales loudly. He throws the lighter he's been messing with somewhere in his friend's vicinity. It falls and he hears Gerard bend down to pick it up. He grabs it and lights his cigarette and thrusts the lighter haphazardly back at Frank's chest. 

Frank's body ignites when Gerard's hand touches his chest for a brief moment. He fumbles with the lighter before sticking it in his jacket pocket. 

Gerard speaks after a moment, his voice rough. Frank hears the Jersey accent that comes out the most when Gerard is pissed.   
"You know, Frank. I can't read your fucking mind," Except it comes out "Fra-ank" and "fuckin' moi-nd."

Frank pauses. He'd been expecting Gerard to apologize, not to flare up with the anger *he's* feeling. He opens his mouth to respond and realizes Gerard is right. He shuts his mouth and Gerard speaks again. 

"We shared a kiss. I was horny. You're a cute guy. I wanted you and you responded. I thought that's all it was!" Gerard exclaims. 

"So was I something for you to cross off then? Something on your bucket list?" Frank shoots back venomously. 

Frank is shocked when Gerard grabs him by his jacket collar and slams him hard against the back of the bus. 

"Fucking Christ, Frank! Why. Are. You. So. Fucking. STUPID?" Gerard punctuates each word before yelling the last one. "Don't you think if I wanted anonymous sex from a trans guy I would have gotten it? For fuck's sake, I wanted you. I don't give a fuck what's in your pants, I would have made it work if you were the fucking hamburglarer!" 

The words hang in the air. Gerard's heavy breathing almost drowns out the beating of Frank's heart. Seemingly exhausted, his hand's still on Frank's collar, Gerard drops his head on Frank's shoulder and breathes deeply. 

Frank feels Gerard's voice vibrate through his body before he hears it. 

"What do you want Frank? How can I fix this?" Gerard says, the fight gone from his voice and body. 

Sadness hits Frank like a truck in a way he'd never thought he would feel about his friend. 

"I just--" his voice breaks. Frank clears his throat, "I wanted you to love me. I wanted to be like anyone else for just a moment. And with you, I was." 

Gerard lifts his head to look at Frank and removes his hands from the other man's collar. 

"I do love you Frank, I do. But not like that, and I'm sorry," Gerard says painfully, that strange look across his face again that Frank can't figure out. 

Gerard steps back and digs his phone from his pocket to check the time. He looks briefly at it before saying, "We have 30 minutes, we should get back" 

Frank clears his throat and vigorously rubs his eyes, trying to erase the emotions he knows his face is so plainly showing. "Yeah, I'm just gonna finish this," he says, referring to the cigarette in his hand that has clearly burned down to the filter. 

Gerard gives Frank a meaningful half-pitying look and touches his shoulder. Frank wants nothing more than to punch him until Gerard will feel what he's feeling. He doesn't though, nor does he say anything. He just watches Gerard walk away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe there's smut here? Read and find out. Not too many notes, kinda reads like your typical Frerard smut with some angst thrown in.

They play the show and several more without incident. If without incident means the two men avoid each other at all costs. 

Frank feels torn apart. Not seeing Gerard is killing him but it's making hating him easier. 

Mikey, ever the band's therapist, keeps trying to get Frank to tell him what happened. Frank says nothing. 

Usually the last day of a tour comes all too soon for Frank, tonight it can't come quick enough. 

Again, they play. Frank doesn't feel into it and he hates himself for it. To drown his sorrows, after the show he gets a cab not far from his apartment. 

The bar is nondescript and Frank finds a seat near the door to catch the breeze coming in from the constantly opening door. 

The barstool he sits on has a wobbly leg. Frank hates everything. Most of all Gerard. He orders a drink and relishes the liquor burning down his throat. 

After that, he remembers nothing. 

\---

Frank wakes up in a bedroom he knows he's seen before but can't place. The back of his head feels like someone hit him with a rock. 

The creak of an old rocking chair startles Frank and his body attempts to react violently but the back of his head says "no." 

By now Frank knows nothing should surprise him about Gerard, but he's shocked to see him at all. Let alone in this strange room. 

Frank attempts to speak, although his mouth is dry and he's not sure he's coherent.   
"Are you gonna go Annie Wilkes on me, Gee?" He says trying to sit up and thinking better of it when the room starts to spin. 

Gerard is sketching something he's careful to hide from Frank. "Oh, cause the chair in the corner?" He asks. "I can see it, yeah. Not this time though. You're safe for now," he gives a small laugh. 

"What happened?" Frank asks. "Was it bad?" He adds as an afterthought. 

"Well, you didn't go on a bender if that's what you were thinking. The stool had a bad leg and you fell straight back and hit your head." 

Frank finds the robins egg sized lump on the back of his head. "Okay, but how did I get here?" Frank asks, finding more questions than answers. "Where am I?"

"Well, you're not in Kansas anymore," Gerard smirks. "You called me, you were pretty coherent until we got here, and then you fell asleep. Pretty sure you're not supposed to fall asleep with a head injury, but, uh, look! You're fine!" Gerard laughs nervously, running a hand through his hair. 

"Oh and we're in my bedroom, have you never been in here?" Gerard asks surprised. 

"No, I haven't," Frank says, feeling exhausted. 

Gerard carefully closes his sketch pad and puts it face down for added measure. "I've got Star Wars, if you wanna watch that or...I can take you home," Gerard says, noticeably less excited about the second option. 

Frank decides he very much wants to watch Star Wars. 

\---

Gerard puts in the movie and leaves Frank to watch the previews while he runs downstairs to get some Advil for Frank. 

Idly Frank thinks about how soft Gerard's sheets are, like an ocean of navy silk. He gingerly takes his shirt off to try and get closer to the feeling. He thinks he may still be a little drunk. He gently tosses his shirt to the side of the bed. Feeling decidedly free he sheds his socks and then his pants. Frank feels like he could die in this bed and he would just be fine with it. 

Gerard returns with a bottle of water, Advil, And a Red Bull for himself. 

Frank notices Gerard's eyes flicker over his body but that's all he does before grabbing the remote and coming to sit with Frank on the large bed. 

Frank rolls around as best he can with his terrible headache. "Your bed is so sofffffttt," he groans. 

Gerard cracks open the water and hands Frank a couple Advil. "Yeah, I don't get to use it much, so when I can I wanna make it worth it," he says. "Drink that slowly," he adds as Frank frantically chugs the water. 

Frank stops drinking and sets the water aside as Gerard plays the movie. 

The movie is roughly an hour in and Frank feels really good, fantastic actually. He just wants to know what's like to orgasm on these sheets. 

Hoping he isn't too much of a distraction, Frank tentatively rubs his growth through his underwear. 

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Gerard pretending not to watch him but in the thin sweat pants he's wearing, Frank can see his body responding. 

Emboldened Frank discards his underwear, inserting a finger inside himself and then another. 

He's close when Gerard half groans, half growls and pounces on Frank. 

Before Frank can saying anything, Gerard takes Frank's hands, licking his fingers clean. "Let me take care of you," he whispers, his eyes dark with lust. 

Gerard's mouth hits him first than his fingers and Frank comes in short succession. 

Gerard stays down after Frank comes, continuing. Frank moans and half heartedly shifts away from the oversensitivity. 

When Frank comes again his core clenches hard and he cries out, entirely overstimulated. 

Gerard comes up to kiss him, and Frank can taste himself on Gerard's lips. Nipping gently he says, "I want you inside me now."

Gerard catches his meaning and frees his erection from his sweatpants and gently pushes inside Frank. 

It's tight and slightly uncomfortable without added lubrication, but Frank loves feeling all of Gerard inside him. Gerard gives him a minute to get used to it and begins thrusting in earnest, his lips at Frank's neck. 

Frank wrapped his legs around Gerard's torso and drew him in closer. He closed his eye but he heard Gerard say in a low voice deep from his chest "Look at me, Frankie."

When Gerard kisses Frank, the movement of their lips only broken by Gerard's thrusting, hot tears spring to Frank's eyes. He knows he shouldn't have allowed himself here and Frank knows himself well enough to know a few beers and a head injury weren't enough to bring him to this point. Frank did this of his violation. He wants to stay in the space and forget the band and live in domestic bliss forever. 

Gerard leaves a mouth shaped bruise on Frank's collar bone and increases his speed. Their eyes locked, for the first time the two men come in unison. Frank gasps when he feels Gerard's warm cum inside him, and when Gerard collapses on top of Frank, burying his face in his neck, Frank lets a few tears escape. 

Gerard's dick softens and slides out as he rolls off Frank and pulls him to close to his chest. 

After a moment, Frank removes him himself and heads for the master bath a few feet away. When he gets up the world spins violently and he staggers backwards to the bed. 

A collection of hurried "woahs" have Gerard moving over to him and helping him to the bathroom. He helps Frank to the bathroom and tells him to clean up and wait while he changes the the sheets. 

Frank cleans up as best he can given he can't shower and waits. Gerard returns momentarily to help him back to the bed and bring him fresh, spare clothes. The sheets are olive green this time but just as soft. Gerard wears tight underwear that outline his soft dick. Frank feels jealous but tries not to let the feeling linger. He puts on the clothes Gerard has given, they're soft. A mixture of polyester and cotton perhaps, Frank thinks idly. He gets on the bed. 

Gerard arranges himself and Frank so Frank's head is on his chest and his arms are around Frank's midsection. 

He kisses the top of Frank's head. "Do you know where we left off in Starwars?"

\---

Frank awakes early the next morning on the soft sheets, the other side of the bed empty. 

He carefully steps down from the bed and goes looking for Gerard. His head feels a lot better today and he can tell with a careful feel the knot has decreased in size. Frank finds Gerard on an upper level deck, outside, sketching something just out of Frank's view, a cigarette dangled loosely between his lips. A cup of coffee, half gone sits on a wooden table beside him. He sits in a giant old fashioned rocking chair like the one in his bedroom. 

"Hey," Frank says, smiling. Gerard jumps and closes the sketch book too quick for Frank to catch a glimpse. 

"What are you sketching?" He asks. 

"A bird," Gerard says too quickly, obviously flipping to an earlier page than the one he was previously working on. But he still manages to show Frank a picture of some kind of bird. Frank doesn't know what exactly, but it's beautiful. He doesn't press the issue. 

"Do you want coffee?" Gerard asks Frank pleasantly. 

"Yeah, actually. I do," He replies. Good, hot, coffee is not a luxury easily found on tour and he's grateful. 

Gerard gets up, unfortunately taking the sketch book with him and goes to the kitchen to get Frank coffee. He comes back momentarily. 

He hands Frank the cup of coffee and a lighter and a cigarette without needing to be asked. 

Frank takes a sip of coffee, enjoying the way the hot liquid seems to seep into his bones. He sets the coffee down and the lights the cigarette. And thinks. 

After feeling he's been silent too long, Frank compliments the view from the deck. 

"Yeah, it's one of the reasons I got the place." Gerard says surveying the dense greenery and woods that backs up to the deck. 

"You could get a dog," Frank adds lamely. 

Gerard snorts. "I'm never home!" He says, laughing. 

Gerard seems to lapse into a comfortable silence. Frank tries to calmly sip his coffee and not wonder what this means. 

After a moment, he speaks up. "When do you want me to leave?"

Gerard scratches his head. "It's up to you, you can stay if you want." He says unhelpfully. 

"Well, do you want me to leave?" Frank asks uncertainly. 

Gerard looks at him and shrugs. "I mean if you want, but I'd like it if you stayed."

The fire that's been burning in Frank's chest flip flops excitedly. 

"Okay, cool," Frank says but still unsure how long the welcome is good for. "Uh, can I shower?"

"Yeah, come on. I'll show you," Gerard says snubbing out the rest of his cigarette and getting up, grabbing his cup. Frank follows suit. 

Gerard takes their cups and puts them on the kitchen counter. Frank stands in the living room, noticing Gerard's bulging tour suitcases, yet to be unpacked. He thought briefly of his own suitcases and was sure the dirty laundry smell was entirely permeated inside them. Frank decides he doesn't care. 

They walk up stairs, Frank stops at the bathroom door but Gerard beckons him to his bedroom. "You can use the master, shower's bigger," he says. 

Gerard walks him to the master bathroom. The shower is large with a clear glass front and granite tiling. Frank figures he just didn't see it last night and is impressed. The shower alone is the size of his own bathroom. 

Gerard shows him how to work the shower and disappears briefly to bring Frank fresh clothes. Frank has the shower on and warmed when Gerard returns. He hands Frank the clothes but doesn't leave, just stares at Frank. 

A moment passes. "Go ahead," Gerard says simply. 

"Oh," Frank replies. "Did you want to join me?"

Gerard's eyes sparkle. "Just trust me," he says, his voice low and tantalizing. 

"Go ahead and undress," he commands. 

Frank strips feeling decidedly vulnerable. When he's naked, he opens the shower door and steps in. The water feels amazing and he stands still for a moment letting the water wet his hair and body. 

Gerard watches. 

Frank grabs the shampoo and begins to wash his hair. Gerard stands with arms crossed, face betraying nothing. 

Frank is careful to avoid the tender spot on his head when he washes. After a moment, he rinses and grabs the soap. 

Frank works top down and watches Gerard watch him. For a moment it appears all he's going to do is stand there and watch him shower but as Frank moves lower, Gerard slowly sheds his clothing. 

When Frank is done, Gerard is naked and slowly working his erection, his on Frank. 

Frank stands there ready to shut the water off when Gerard steps in with him. Frank's body responds in anticipation. 

"Turn around with your hands and body pressed against the wall," Gerard says, stepping up behind Frank who complies. 

Gerard kisses Frank's neck and works his hands down Frank's body. Gerard's fingers tease at Frank's opening. 

"That's my good boy. Always ready for me, aren't you Frankie?"

Frank moans in response and tries to thrust down on the other man's hand, but Gerard removes it before he wait. 

"Wait," Gerard says, his fingers trailing down Frank's spine. 

"First you have to do something for me. Turn around and get on your knees," Gerard says quietly. 

Frank turns around and carefully lowers himself to the shower floor. 

Gerard looks down at him, his index and middle finger under Frank's chin to make Frank look at him. 

"I think you know what to do now," Gerard says coaxingly. 

Frank takes Gerard's dick into his mouth eagerly, starting with just the head and swirling his tongue around the tip. 

Gerard lays a firm hand on the back of Frank's head and moans. "That's my good boy," he says beginning to thrust into Frank's willing mouth. 

Frank gags on the length of Gerard's erection but Gerard calmly eggs him on, "Relax your throat and breathe through your nose," he says. 

Frank takes the advice and continues in this position until Gerard pulls out of his mouth. 

"Get up and face the wall like before," Gerard says urgently. 

Frank does and feels Gerard step up behind him, his hands on his body. After a moment, nothing and Frank hears a bottle of something being of uncapped. 

He knows it's lube when he feels Gerard's dick teasing around his hole. The shower spray hits Frank from the right, developing him in a storm of warmth. He's ready. 

"Please, do it," Frank begs, thrusting back on his friend's dick. 

Gerard's lips are at his ear. "Shh, just wait. All it time," he whispers gently. 

Gerard runs the the length of Frank's entrance with his dick, on occasion very briefly slipping in. 

"Such a good boy, being ready for me," Gerard taunts him. 

"Please," Frank begs again. 

"You think you're ready now," Gerard asks, kissing down Frank's neck. 

"Yes," Frank moans, his voice shaky. 

Gerard moves behind him and shuts the water off and steps out, drying off. 

"Come on then and show me," he grins.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex, angst, more sex, and lots of showering. Showering, I've found, is an overarching metaphor for dysphoria. Showering and sex is where dysphoria tends to rear it's head. When Gerard pulls Frank into these situations, it's an escape from that and he craves it. 
> 
> There's More sex than is really plausible but one, I wanted it, it's cathartic for me to write... and two, Frank has created a fantasy world of sorts. As Gerard has previously stated in their conversation by the bus, he doesn't want Frank romantically. Frank, in turn, fills the void, by using Gerard in the same way Gerard is using him. 
> 
> And then sadness. Always darkness before the dawn folks.

Gerard throws Frank the towel who dries off quickly, stunned, annoyed, and super turned on. 

Gerard takes his hand, and pulls Frank to him, kissing him hard, his erection poking at Frank's thigh. 

"Come on," he says walking out to the bedroom. 

Frank attempts to lay down on the bed in preparation but Gerard stops him with a quick click of his tongue. 

Frank looks at him. 

"Get on the bed on your hands and knees, with your feet at the edge of the bed."

Frank does so, heart pounding. 

Gerard comes and stands in front of him at the foot of the bed and teases his dick along Frank's opening. After a moment he eases inside. 

"How is it?" Gerard asks, hands firmly on Frank's hips. 

Frank moans in response, "Incredible," he says.

Gerard fucks him slow and hard, his hands leaving hand print shaped bruises on Frank's hips. 

Frank is begging him to go faster. 

Gerard shushes him and pushes his head down roughly towards the bed. 

"First, good boys don't speak unless spoken to. And second, you'll get yours, don't worry," he says softly. 

"Now lay on your stomach, flat," Gerard instructs. 

Frank complies and waits as Gerard gets on the bed behind him. Gerard slips in and begins to roughly fuck Frank, holding Frank's head against the bed with the palm of his hand. 

Frank comes messily and violently, his body shaking. 

Gerard comes inside him a moment later, before collapsing down on Frank, breathing heavy. 

After a moment he gets up allowing Frank to roll over to his back, and bringing him close. 

"That was incredible," Frank says, breaking the silence. 

"Fuck yes," Gerard agrees. 

Frank moves so he can put his head on Gerard's chest. 

"I just want to lay here for a moment before I clean up," he says panting. 

\---

Frank wakes up slowly and turns his head to look at Gerard who in sleep has kicked away the Satin sheets. 

Frank burns the image of the man he loves into his mind, his stomach rolls with a jealously he tries not to have. 

He examines Gerard's jawline, a five o'clock shadow barely sprouting that he will shave as soon as he notices it. His nipples that are erect from the cold air and can respond to touch and temperature, down to his clean shaven chest. His slim hips taper down to his flaccid penis. His thighs that are proportioned with the rest of his body. 

Frank gets up, trying to ignore the sticky consequences of not cleaning up post sex and heads into the master bath. 

He turns on the shower and adjusts the water before stepping in. Briefly, Frank cries for the fact that he'll never feel complete. Gerard's the only person who made him feel close and Gerard doesn't want him. 

Frank pushes the anger and sadness and jealously from his mind and cleans himself quickly trying not to compare his own body to Gerard's. 

Frank gets out of the shower, drying off and putting on the clothes Gerard left out for him earlier. 

He walks into the bedroom where Gerard is awake, rubbing his eyes vigorously. 

Frank stands in the doorframe, watching for a moment before breaking the silence. 

"Hey," he says simply. 

"Hey," Gerard echoes. 

"What now?" Frank asks. "I'm gonna need a break after that last session," he says testing the waters to see if Gerard will talk about sex outside of initiating it. 

He doesn't take the bait. "I'm fucking hungry dude," he says enthusiastically. 

Frank tries to hide his disappointment. "Me too," he replies trying to respond in a similar manner. 

"Oh, good! What do you want?" Gerard says with a happy grin. 

\---

Ordering pizza is easy in their home state where Frank knows the sausage. They go with a tried and true hole-in-the-wall location they both love. 

The pizza arrives in roughly an hour and Frank realizes he's ravenous. He can't remember eating anything before the bar yesterday. 

The conversation is normal and unremarkable. Gerard as per usual has found a way to work in David Bowie. It's okay though because Bowie is Frank's favorite thing to hear Gerard go on and on about, although he is more of punk guy himself. Frank loves how animated his friend gets, how his eyes sparkle. He watches entranced. 

Gerard gets up where they're sitting in his living room hunched over the pizza box for another Red Bull in the kitchen and the spell is broken. 

Frank hates himself for falling in love with his friend, even more so for continuing this charade. 

Gerard returns and sits down heavily next to Frank, cracking open the drink and taking a sip. 

Frank clears his throat nervously, his eyes focused on Gerard, "So how long are we going to pretend what we're doing is what two platonic friends do?" he asks. 

Gerard avoids Frank's gaze. "I figured we cross that bridge when we came to it," he responds. 

"I mean, I think we're there. We've been fucking like rabbits. It's not like we can ignore it."

Silence from Gerard hits Frank like a sucker punch and anger swells inside him. 

"I mean I can't keep letting you fuck me and telling myself I'm not in love with you!" Frank says loudly. "I know you don't feel the same way but it would be great if you could at least fucking care!"

Gerard speaks so quietly Frank can't make out what he saying.

"What?" He says exasperated. 

It's Gerard's turn to clear his throat nervously. 

"I was lying before by the bus. I do love you. I've loved you forever."

The sadness in Gerard's voice doesn't fit the words. 

He continues. "But it was easier lying and hurting you than lying to myself that this could happen. I guess in the end I just caused more heart break and I'm so sorry. This-us-will never work," Gerard finishes, tears sparkling in his eyes. 

Frank feels broken. His chest hurts. "But I need you. You're the only person who makes me feel like a real man," he says, his voice breaking. 

Gerard smiles sadly and uses his thumb to wipe away Frank's tears that are spilling freely. 

"You don't need me for that, Frankie. You're so strong, stronger than you know,"

Frank leans forward and kisses Gerard on the mouth. He feels Gerard try and back away, but Frank speaks quickly, close to Gerard's lips. 

"Please," Frank begs. "One more time,"

Gerard's lips part in response and he pulls Frank in closer. 

The kiss is as violent as it is chaste and screams of missed opportunities. 

Frank wastes little time in bending down and leaning over Gerard's lap to free his erection from his jeans and quickly taking it into his mouth. 

Frantically he thinks if he can do this really well Gerard will see they're meant to be together. 

Frank swirls his tongue around the head of Gerard's dick before attempting to take all of him in his mouth. 

He succeeds and relishes the feeling of his friend's dick against his tonsils. 

After a moment Gerard speaks and tells Frank to stop saying he doesn't want to cum yet. 

Frank obliges and they both get up, quickly shedding their clothes. 

"Sit down," Frank orders.

A question forms in Gerard's eyes but he doesn't ask, just sits down. Frank straddles him. 

Slowly Frank sits on Gerard's dick. It's tight and uncomfortable but he needs to feel it and he needs to feel it for days. 

Once Gerard is entirely inside him, Frank stops for a second, his hands on Gerard's shoulders. Frank leans down and kisses him deeply before starting to gently rock backward and forwards. 

"Are you okay?" Gerard asks. 

"No," Frank says simply.

"Do you want to stop?"

"No. Just fuck me. Please." Frank begs, his throat tight with sadness. 

Gerard begins to buck his hips and thrust in earnest and Frank comes quickly, burying his face in Gerard's shoulder, and biting down hard enough to bruise while he rides out his orgasm. 

The pain seems to encourage Gerard who thrusts faster and harder making Frank come again. As Frank's orgasm washes over him he hears Gerard groan from low in his throat and shoot hot cum inside him. 

Frank sits for a moment, still in riding position, burying his face in Gerard's neck and wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. 

He feels Gerard hesitate beneath him but eventually his arm circle around Frank's around Frank's waist. 

Gerard's dick softens and exits Frank's body. Frank gets up trying to maneuver so he doesn't spill cum all over Gerard and his couch. 

"I need to clean up," he mumbles before heading to the bathroom. 

This time, Frank showers alone. He scrubs roughly as if trying to erase any mention of anything he'd done with Gerard. 

When he gets out of the shower he puts on the clothes he wore the first night when Gerard had taken him back to his place. 

When he's dressed he searches for his phone, wallet, and cigarettes. He finds them in a neat pile on Gerard's dresser. 

Frank wanders downstairs, attempting to delay the inevitable. He finds Gerard dressed, sketching. 

Frank walks quietly up behind Gerard and sees Gerard has been sketching him laying down in Gerard's bed. All of the tattoos visible in the sketch are spot on. Frank feels heartbroken. 

He clears his throat and Gerard startles. "I'm thinking I should head home," Frank says, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. 

Sadness flickers across Gerard's face but quick as it came, it was gone. 

"Let me drive you," he says.

"No, you don't have--"

"Please," Gerard says, his voice edging on desperation. 

"Okay," Frank concedes and smiles sadly.


	9. Chapter 9

They're driving in Gerard's car, a late model silver Honda Civic that Gerard insists upon driving to feel "normal" unlike all of the celebrities and rock stars who drive jaguars and Ferrari's he says when Frank remembers about his own car.

"Shit, I have no idea where my fucking car is, man," Frank says after several minutes of driving in silence. 

Gerard throws him a sideways glance, eyes on the road, "Oh I had Mikey take it back to your place," he says. 

"Oh, okay. Thanks," Frank swallows hard. 

"Sure," 

The conversation is terribly mundane and Frank feels terrible about it. He wishes they'd never done what they did, no matter how bad he'd wanted his friend. Gerard was his friend but also his band mate, and Frank worries he put that in jeopardy. 

Silence again. Frank bounces his leg nervously. 

Gerard's hand is on his knee at a red light. 

"You're shaking the whole fucking car, dude. Stop," Gerard laughs, seemly unaware of the conundrum Frank feels placed in. 

"Sorry," Frank says hoping Gerard doesn't notice his voice is devoid of emotion. 

He doesn't and says nothing else. Frank is grateful. 

Frank zones out thinking about nothing and everything and when he snaps out of it, they're at his house. He undoes his seatbelt, half hoping Gerard will stop him and they'll drive off into the sunset. 

Gerard doesn't stop him. Instead he turns to him and tells Frank he'll see him soon, if not than in four weeks more the next leg of tour. 

Tour. Frank had forgotten. He'd forgotten about everything except Gerard if he was being honest, let alone the fact that he was in a band with three other guys besides Gerard. 

They say an awkward goodbye with many things left unsaid. Gerard leaves. 

Frank goes inside, straight past his bulging, stinking suitcases full of tour clothes, to a bottle of whiskey where he proceeds to get blissfully drunk. 

\---  
The next three weeks are spent totally not thinking about Gerard, Frank tells himself. Especially not in a sexual capacity. They are friends and nothing more. 

Frank does a lot of laundry. Laundry's more fun with a nice buzz anyway as he polishes off the bottle of whiskey he started when he got back. 

He chain smokes and masturbates and tries not to feel sorry for himself. His orgasms never come close to where Gerard gets him but he is definitely not thinking about that. 

On the fourth week, Frank gets together with the guys and Gerard at Ray's house to discuss any last minute changes to the set. 

It's the first time Frank's seen or talked to Gerard since he dropped him off and of course Frank is sandwiched between Gerard and Mikey. 

He wonder if Mikey knows anything. Surely Gerard wouldn't tell him about he and Frank sleeping together, Frank thinks, but Mikey has a way of piecing things together. 

Sure enough, Mikey corners him when Frank comes back from the bathroom and the others are having a smoke break outside. 

"Frank, this is the last thing I ever wanted to fucking say to anyone, but are you fucking my brother?"

Frank's heart drops to his stomach. 

"What? That's fucking crazy dude, what are you smoking?" Frank says, his voice too high to be normal like he's sucked a bunch of helium and trying to laugh off the question. 

Mikey cocks an eyebrow. 

"Well, I think you're lying to me, but to be honest with you, I don't need or want to know so just don't fuck it up," he says seriously and pointedly in a way only a brother can. 

"Well, if that were happening, which it's not because that would be weird, of course I would be careful," Frank says in a single breath. 

Mikey looks him over without breaking eye contact. Frank struggles not to blink. Finally, seemingly satisfied, Mikey turns and leaves to join the others. 

Frank waits a minute and returns as well. 

\---

The first two weeks of tour have gone better than Frank could hope, he and Gerard seem to have mended their relationship and he finds himself again in a hotel room. 

He's watching the crappy hotel TV when there's a persistent knocking at the door. 

"Go away!" Frank yells. 

"It's Gerard" a voice, presumably Gerard, yells back. 

Frank gets up and opens the door. It is, indeed Gerard, who looks nervous. 

"Can I come in," Gerard says from the door way. 

Frank lets him in. 

Gerard stands awkwardly in the middle of the room as though wanting to shrink inside himself. 

"So, what's up?" Frank says, confused. 

"Well, first I thought about a grandiose gesture, but then that sounded stupid and I couldn't think of what to do anyway so I thought maybe it was best to show you this," 

Gerard fishes a folded piece of paper from his jeans and unfolds it and hands it to Frank.

It's a color rendering of that sketch of himself, Frank saw in Gerard's sketchbook. It's beautiful, Frank thinks. 

"I couldn't get the exact color for your eyes cause I always had to do this when you were sleeping, and that day after you left I had to fucking google your picture to get the color right and I felt so stupid and honestly I don't ever want to have to do that again. I want you around all the time, day and night. I love you, Frankie."

Gerard slaps his hands against his thighs and avoids looking at Frank. 

No other word could describe Frank but flabbergasted as he gently set the sketch down on the nearby table and walked over to Gerard looping his arms around Gerard's neck. 

"I love you too," Frank says tilting his head upward to meet his lips with Gerard's. 

When their lips do meet after a moment or possibly a century, Frank keeps his eyes open to capture the moment in his mind forever. 

Gerard's hands quickly move south as their kiss deepens. Frank opens his mouth in a moan and Gerard undoes Frank's belt and shoves his pants to his knees. He pushes Frank towards the bed where they fall, slightly unceremoniously but nonetheless eager on the bed. 

Gerard takes his time after removing the rest of Frank's clothing, kissing each tattoo on Frank's torso. 

It's painfully slow but it still feels like a dream and Frank doesn't want to do anything to wake up. 

Gerard goes lower and lower and finally when his mouth and tongue hit Frank's growth, Frank lets go, giving into the pleasure. 

Gerard slips two fingers inside him and Frank thrusts down on them urging him to go deeper, Gerard's fingers working in small circles up against Frank's spot. 

Frank is mindlessly speaking iterations of swears and Gerard's name. After he cums, hard and messily, Gerard comes up besides him and lays on the bed, licking his fingers. 

"Fuck," Frank says, breathing heavy. 

"Yeah," Gerard echoes. Frank can see the outline of his erection straining the fabric of his jeans. 

He rolls over and drops to his knees, freeing Gerard's dick from the constraints of the fabric. 

Slowly Frank swirls his tongue around the head of Gerard's dick before doing deeper and feeling the head of his dick hit the back of Frank's throat. What doesn't fit in his mouth, Frank works with his hand expertly. 

Precum hits his tongue, bitter and salty and wonderful. 

Frank continues in this manner until Gerard arches his hips and hot cum fills his mouth and throat. 

Frank swallows and milks the rest of Gerard's orgasm from his dick. 

When Gerard's dick softens, Frank gets up and joins Gerard on the bed, placing his head on Gerard's chest who strokes Frank's hair. 

For a moment there's silence. The sound of the air conditioning and the two men's breathing. 

"I've got Star Wars if you want to watch," Frank says. 

Gerard grins. "Fuck yeah, I do."

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's The End of this story but I have an HP related trans!Draco fic (that I thought would very aptly piss off JKR if she were made aware) kicking around in my head.


End file.
